Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
