Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
