I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Shame is for Republicans.
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