I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
