i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
