brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was like eating out sand paper
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
