i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
