I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
