Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
BRING THE BAGELS
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
