She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
