i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
