i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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