I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
