Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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