I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
