We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
