i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Fuck appropriateness.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
