just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
