So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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