Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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