I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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