My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
