im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
