Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
