I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
