She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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