This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
