I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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