My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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