Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
