He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
