Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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