you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
