you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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