Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's blow job season.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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