Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
