my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
