hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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