I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
