and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
