you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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