Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
