I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
