Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
