Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I look better un-naked...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
