How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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