The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
