My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
