Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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