Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
